My first months as a mom: going deep into Lara's land
Today Lara is 2 months old. ❤️And finally I was able to get some distance of this life changing event of motherhood to reflect about it in a letter to a friend, which I share below.
The biggest highlight: love ecstasy
I think the biggest highlight of these 8 first weeks is the feeling of love ecstasy and excitement mothering gives me. As Lara is growing and evolving in her cuteness and interaction, I feel I constantly want to observe her, kiss her, play with her and comfort her.
This feeling is similar to the “first love sentiment”, that you constantly think of the person and want to be near her, or when you first move in together and can’t wait for the day to end to go home and see your loved one.. 💕
But it’s so much more, because it is true that it keeps getting better.. as she is evolving and has new cute things she does every week, it’s always a surprise. With that, I tend to live in the present much more, appreciate every little thing and not want time to go by fast. She materialized all the mothering clichés for me.
So as much as it’s tiring and distressing sometimes (especially when she’s in colic pain and I feel anguished on not being able to help her), it seems that after a nap, I feel refreshed and eager to be with her again, cuddle her and discover every new life endeavor with her.
My biggest surprise: setting boundaries
My biggest surprise in this period was realizing my challenge on dealing with conflict, and learning how to set boundaries with people.
I always thought of myself as someone pragmatic and objective that knew how to speak my mind. And I’m pretty sure that I can be that person often, especially when I have a strong reasoning for my positioning, like when it involves something objective in work, or health. However, I realized how challenging it is for me to disagree and create small boundaries, like asking people to go home or cutting a long phone call when I’m tired, or even disagreeing with someone strong-willed.
I especially had that challenge with the night nurse that I had for the first month, that was very “know-it-all” kind of person. I spent a whole month dealing with very uncomfortable situations with her and was unable to position myself about the smallest things. To illustrate, I got to a point that I used the international women’s day as an excuse to empower myself to face her and say that I was breastfeeding Lara with both breasts each time (instead of one side at each feeding). I spent over a week doing that during the day, but not during the night, as I didn’t want to get into conflict with her. 🫣
After several coaching sessions with both Beni and my therapist, I’m slowly learning how to set these small boundaries, but I know I have a LOT to evolve in that matter.
The hardest thing: hypersensitivity
The hardest thing in this period was definitely dealing with the hypersensitivity that the hormone overflow of puerperium brings. Being overall a rational person, it was very hard for me to be in a constant emotional boiling state, and not being able to control myself. From crying together when Lara cried of colic, to fighting with my partner Beni every day on the smallest things (like a 7 minutes delay that he didn’t see my WhatsApp message), everything in life seemed heightened and hyperbolic. I think the hardest thing within this hypersensitivity issues was to align expectations about when Beni could be present, both with Lara and me, after he went back to the office. He’s always got late home and adjusting his high pressure/long hours routine at work with life with a baby at home has been a big challenge.
I think now we’re coming to a balance, and I realized that he can still be a great father and partner, and be very present even with time constraints. But it involved me dealing with my frustration that he can only be with Lara during 1–1:30 hours in the morning, and that he’ll only be able to get home by 8- 8:30 pm once or twice a week to have dinner with me. It also involved me finding other sources of pleasure and sociability, like people who I will interact during the day not to feel lonely, and series/ books I will read to entertain myself.
What I'm grateful for: being present and having a support network
What I’m most grateful to in this period was
1) being able to be more present, both for Lara and for me.
With her, I am able to appreciate her good and bad moments every day, like celebrating when she takes a long nap, is able to poop without crying, or engages and smiles at us.
And with me, appreciating small pleasures without pressuring myself too much, like going for a walk in the park or going for a swim while she naps, reading a good fiction book (and not only early childhood development) to get back to sleep during the night, or doing a massage or Pilates to deal with my back pain.
2. For Beni, for being such a patient and caring father and partner. He’s been amazing not only on caring for her, being the official diaper changer, and the one who can help her most when she’s crying with colic.
But also caring for me, and coaching me on how to deal with these small conflicts/ boundaries situations, taking on all the maintenance, and administrative tasks of the house, and giving me love and tender moments when we’re together.
3. For my family, for keeping me company during the days and weekends, and sharing with me this love ecstasy with her.
4. For my paid support network who gives me time and confidence that Lara will be properly cared for while I can also have a bit of time for myself, and the house and my food will also be cared for.
5. And for a few friends, that I have been writing my reflections to, and that help me synthesize and give meaning to such an intense and transformational period.
What I'm looking forward to: balancing presence with her with my individuality
And finally what I look forward in the next month of her life is keeping all the good stuff I learned with her, like being present, and appreciating time with her with the same love, while also finding time and space to explore interests and pleasures of my individuality and professional development. Finding new balance for me, without feeling guilty of leaving her a bit more time with the support network.
